Without Even Realizing

Without even realizing it, I spent so many years scared of the 'happy' phase of bipolar. It never occurred to me that I was bipolar. I just learned that when I started to feel great after 5 hours sleep a night that it was a clue that a deep low was coming. I just learned that when I began to get very enthusiastic about doing so many things - too many things to handle - but wanted to do it all and tried to do it all in a whirlwind of activity and drive, that a deep low would soon follow. I began to suppress the high to avoid the low. I became very very good at doing it and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Not until recently. I stopped allowing myself to binge clean. I stopped allowing myself to get up and do anything on the nights I couldn't sleep. I stopped allowing myself to get 'giddy' when interacting with others. I stopped allowing the productive things in order to avoid the inevitable lows that followed. I called them 'tanking'. I would just run out of energy - or so I thought.

During a 'high episode', there would be such a disconnect between how my life was going (usually difficult) and how my body felt (usually pain of some sort) and the wonderful mood I was in. Those were the times of 'manic' or 'hypomanic'. And I learned that a low would follow and wreck (and then some) all the good progress I was making. Or I would make a super stupid decision in the mania or mixed episodes that would take so long to recover from. And then I would feel so horrible about myself - how could I do that? How could I do something so wrong when I knew better.

So instead, I stopped progressing, I stopped the manic so I wouldn't have the bad lows. The 'depths of despair'. Instead, I began to have severe anxiety from not taking care of the things I needed to do and just had a constant dull low. A fatigue. It felt bad, but also sort of normal.

So now that the meds and vitamins are preventing some of the low. I'm feeling more mixed episodes (agitation, anger, motivated, happy, content). I know I have to be careful for so many reasons. But I'm feeling ready to start to clean up the messes I've made. The illness is only an explanation, only a clue as to how to what I need to do better in life - not an excuse. Though it is very real, I never want it to be an excuse. Cliche alert: There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I have a ligit fear that I've nurtured for so long that people will soon see how unstable and unreliable and how negative I am. I'm starting to overcome this fear of making friends. I've even connected with a few new and caring people. It is so nice. I'm starting to feel better able to commit to extra-curriculars for my children and myself. (Though forcing myself to focus on one is hard.) I'm starting to be able to see the positive. The positive in how my kids behave and in who they are. The positive in how I behave and in who I am. The positive in others who are in my life.

I am beginning to come back to life. A fragile life at this time - one which still needs lots of professional guidance. I am so grateful for it - for the life and the guidance! I have so much hope for a healthy me to emerge. One who is able to make good decisions; one who can achieve success.

People are scared of 'mental illness'

Let me tell you - these two words will stop people in their tracks and often make them run screaming away from you. It scares people. They feel for you - sometimes - but they don't want to be around you. Not that it was different before I was diagnosed. People didn't exactly want to deal with it. Nor do they want to try to understand. I have been quite open about it. But I tell you - if you want to make people's eyes bulge - say the words 'mental illness'.

Still processing this news

Well, it's no news that this has been difficult past few months especially. I have had no end of years with various hosts of weird symptoms and no idea what is wrong. All the while thinking maybe I'm some odd sort of hypochondriac thinking I had this thing or that thing wrong with me.......but the doctors always said I was fine. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That what was going on with me just couldn't be explained. I always seemed to 'tank' right after I thought things were going well.

Why? Why did I keep doing that? Why did I work so hard to get things to start to go right and then end up further back to where I started? Well, perhaps the reasons were learned today. I went to see a specialist today. My therapist hand-picked this specialist for me and traded appointments to get me in to see her within a month - which was about six weeks earlier than I was scheduled. So I was grateful for that! Today, she also came to the appointment with me and she was very helpful! Again, I've been very grateful for her since I met her about two months ago!

The specialist I saw was a psychiatrist who also has a background in neuroscience. A good match for me. She asked many really good questions. Hard questions. She really listened. All of this was simply amazing to me - and gave me confidence in her as a doctor. She told me what I expected - panic disorder.

But she also found something that I didn't expect - she suspects seizures. Something my family doctor dismissed before I'd finished my sentence. I have often complained of forgetfulness. Forgetfulness to such an extent that it's like my mind is completely blank. And my therapist noticed it twice in about three visits, maybe four. Where I briefly stared blankly and then could not remember what I was saying or what I was going to say. Not at all - zippo, nadda - blank. Sounds normal, I know. But I also have a relatively 'normal' genetic anomoly in my brain. This is usuaally not an issue - but sometimes it can cause seizures. I had an EEG (awful nasty test, btw) which was negative. But since my anomoly is deep in my brain it wouldn't pick up on it anyhow. And apparently an EEG is not a very sensitive test.

Another bit of a surprise and something that I was careful to answer questions about - possible manic depression. But the specialist never mentioned depression alone - which I've been treated for in the past because my doctor didn't want me to put my baby in the dryer!

So, the specialist recommended a serious drug for me - one that could potentially cause a life-threatening rash (who knew a rash could kill you?). Rarely. But she said it could help with lots of my issues. And I will be able to stop the medication before it becomes really serious. I will know. After ramping up the dosage slowly - it should help to stabilize my moods, to relieve the seizures and to be an anti-anxiety. Sounds good to me!!

Of course, this is all a lot to process for me. And somehow - my kids were even more needy today. How do they always know?! That along with the tonnes and tonnes of work I have to do to get my life back in order - and it's a LOT!! But I'm committed to it. I want a life! A good life - the one that God wants for me. And I have three months off work to get me started. I have God with me to do it! And let me tell you - I need HIM!!!

THIS day is blessed?

Now I have to tell you this wonderful thing I discovered. One can just never discover it enough and one can just never understand it enough. Yet, no matter how much we discover and how much we understand - we can still be hugely blessed by it. What is it? Or do you even have to ask - it's God's LOVE!

I don't have to tell you that I have been majorly struggling. Oh so majorly! And on top of that - I have had the worst two months full of mishaps and series of odd and wildly crazy events. And often I could easily ask - Lord, you blessed THIS day?! Seriously?! Because I think you missed me. To recap a few - I had essentially what one would call a nervous breakdown a couple months ago, then my neighbor violently attacked me, a month later we witnessed her try to attack her boyfriend in the street where we park, then troubles with my boyfriend not talking and taking off, and then there were custody issues and then troubles at work and then a horrible weekend with my dad causing chaos and insisting on causing chaos, and then a speeding ticking AND another ticket for $230 which could have been over $3000 because I listened to my dad and didn't get 'my rear in gear' to take care of business and then I had a little car accident (which will cost a $2500! But thankfully NO ONE was hurt, not even the little three month old fetus taking up residence with the woman in the little truck that I slid into on the icy patch! Thank the Lord! Yes, of course, most of those events were related to my inability to cope and some bad decisions on  my part.

So this little accident was followed by my reading a chapter in "Praying God's Word" book by Beth Moore. I skimmed the chapters - because I was bored with the front to back cover version of reading it - for a more pertinent chapter. I found one: Overcoming the Insecurity of Feeling Unloved. Yup, this was the chapter for me, right then. Well, I tell you that this chapter was written just for me! Right from:

'Minor insecurities can be little more than occasional challenges, but when life suddenly erupts like a volano, insecurity turns into panic. Want suddenly feels like need. A hidden pocket of unmet needs suddenly quakes and leaves a cavern. The fear or the feeling of being unloved is probably the greatest source of insecurity, whether or not we can always articulate it.

Jehovah God, the Great Soul-ologist, identified man's chief desire in Proverbs 19:22: "What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar."

to the explanation of that verse:

'He is implying that our human tendency is to stockpile belongings or amass wealth in order to satisfy a cavernous need in our souls. He is also suggesting that we are lying if we're saying that our greatest need is anything besides unfailing love. The word desires in Proverbs 19:22 implies a deep craving. Each one of us craves utterly unfailing love: a love that is unconditional, unwavering, radical, demonstrative, broader than the horizon, deeper than the sea.'

And we ALL know that no matter how much love we are showered with in our lives or no matter how much love we feel for others - it is FAR away from that sort of unfailing love.

'Searching for perfect, unfailing love in anyone else is not only fruitless, it is miserably disappointing and destructive. I am convinced that our hearts are not healthy until they have been satisfied by the only completely healthy love that exists: the love of God, Himself.'

God made me (everyone) to require His love, His unfailing love. And no one else can fulfill that need. Now of course - this is NOT news to me. But it is a reminder of what I need always, and specifically right now.  It is a comfort to me when there are things I have to do, things I have to get through and no one but no one can do it for me.  It's just me and the Lord.  And that knowledge comforts me.

So I began to pray right then and each morning since upon opening my eyes for God's love to fill my cup knowing that 'He is the only One who is never overwhelmed by the depth and length of [my] need.' as Beth writes. Of course I welcome love, and I have it to give starting with the very first minute I am awake following the prayer.

So this last few days, I have earnestedly and desperately prayed this prayer. And I am able to handle daily disturbances and interactions rather well. It has not removed the anxiety - but certainly the 'strength' I needed and still had often prayed for desperately needed a cup full of UNFAILING love to go with it!! And Lord, precious Lord, I thank you for such an amazing gift!!

On my wall, by my bed, I have posted:

Psalms 143:8

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for you to lift up my soul.

A second good thing!

My Jaron had his first day at a new school today! Mama cried this morning! But my worried little guy was tenderly reminded that he may feel nervous at first but I have seen before that by the end of the day, he will have at least two new friends. Well, everyone was so wonderful to both of us. And Jaron was quickly escorted off to his grade two Montessori class. And a sub. Oh dear!! Then I picked him up at the end of the day and heard a chorus of goodbyes to Jaron along with plans to exchange phone numbers. And he listed off three kids names and two other kids that he had gotten to know by the end of his first afternoon! So, once again, my little social magnet has managed to have a GREAT day!! And all of his nerves dissolved into a giant smile!

Tomorrow we tackle - the new bus!!

One good thing!

I've got a plan. All this 'stuff' that I'm going through coming to a head at the age of 32, with my future bright before me - once I get through all this. And I've been tormenting over not having a plan. All these decisions to make and all this 'stuff' running through my mind and not really having the sound ability to make these decisions. (I think I am not actually forming ANY sentences whatsoever - but bear with me). So I may have just needed one person to add a little decisiveness to my day. Even if it is little more than a bit of hope and staying status quo and taking it day by day. I feel, like I actually have a PLAN. This is one good thing!

It's been awhile........Yes it has!

I suppose I've been at a loss for words. I thought i was doing so well, and then my mood and maybe even my life took a dive. I didn't realize i was that unstable. But i was. I'm going through one of the roughest patches of my life. But the good things coming from it are that I think I'll finally get the help I need and people are listening. They are hearing me, and they see, that I need help. I'm having a hard time sleeping. I have this wonderful thermal blanket, that is so so cozy and my son's baby blanket - yes his fleece crib blanket - and I cuddle up in those each night. I feel so many things, and comfort is hard to find. So I do this, and the last two nights I have repeated over and over - a comforting truth about God! Two nights ago it was "I am God's child.". Last night it was from a song I listened to right before I went to sleep - or tried to. It was 'Forgiven and Loved'. And each time I awoke last night - which was many many times - I fell right back to sleep, wrapped in my cozy cozy blankets and repeating "Forgiven and Loved". So this morning, I do feel comforted. If not baffled, confused and trying to let God guide (maybe futile and impatient) into the decisions I have to make for this next part of my life. I suppose the only thing clear to me is the part where I start to heal - I know that. God has given me some counsellors that I think will 'get it' and actually be helpful for me. I see one, Ruth, today. Thank God for her! And may I remember today to Praise Him when I am feeling low. And other times - but especially then. And, I'm off to work!

Nicole.

Another movie worth watching...

Fireproof! It's a Kirk Cameron movie - enough said!! Great soundtrack! Total tearjerker - bring your tissues!!

Amazing Grace

You don't hear that song a lot on the radio, but I just did. In fact, i just watched the movie last night. And watched the special features of the song 'Amazing Grace' sung by Chris Tomlin.

Now this is a movie you need to see, if you haven't already. It's not really mainstream. It is a great drama and one of my favorite movies. It is the true story of a young English politician, William Wilberforce, who wants to make a better world - starting with abolition of the slave trade. And his mentor in this movie is a former slave ship capton who wrote the hymn, Amazing Grace. It is such a well-made movie!! And that is rather rare. It could be gory, but it's not - just enough emphasis that you get the point and see the importance of the issue. But not enough that it will disturb you terribly. Check out this official website. And find the movie to watch.

http://www.amazinggracemovie.com/

Updates

Update 1:

At least six large Rubbermaid bins of junk have been tossed from my basement. At least 6 more to go. At least 4 small to medium garbage bags of junk and garbage have been removed from my room. At least 5 boxes of storage stuff. I put nice and cheap WalMart curtains up - I like the feel it gives to the room. And that is HALF of the room dejunked. I have a few more things to junk. And the other half of the room to tackle. If I am brave enough, I will take before and after pictures for you all to view.

Update 2:

Took the day off work to see the counsellor at the mental health center. She met with Jaron and I and she wants to see us again. She gave me a book about success with ADHD - though there is no diagnosis yet. And sent us to a get a referal for a child psychologist whose special interest is attention issues. It was actually a fairly difficult thing for Jaron. So I took him out for a nice treat afterwards.

Standing naked

Standing naked before God - laying it all out there for Him to see what He already sees. God, this is me. This is who I am, this is what I have done wrong, this is me - broken and wounded. Lord, this is me, the one you love. God's love brought me to Him in the first place, then somehow I forgot about it. Oh the humanity of me.

I want to share a great exerpt from the book I'm reading - Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. It's a passage he quoted from Mike Yaconelli - another pastor and co-founder of Youth Specialties who went on a little retreat and 'found his true self'. This is what he writes about it:

It took only a few hours of silence before I began to hear my soul speaking. It only

took being alone for a short period of time for me to discover I wasn't alone. God

had been trying to shout over the noisiness of my life, and I couldn't hear Him. But

in the stillness and solitude, his whispers shouted from my soul, "Michael, I am

here. I have been calling you, but you haven't been listening. Can you hear me,

Michael? I love you. I have always loved you. And I have been waiting for you

to hear me say that to you. But you have been so busy trying to prove to yourself

you are loved that you have not heard me."

I heard him, and my slumbering sould was filled with the joy of the prodigal son.

My soul was awakened by a loving Father who had been looking and waiting for

me. Finally, I accdepted my brokenness......I had never come to terms with that.

Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually

disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was apart of me that

embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my

weaknesses, to deny who i was and concentrate on what I should be. I was broken,

yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again - or at least to get to

the place where I was very seldom broken.....

At L'Arche (the retreat), it became very clear to me that I had totally

misunderstood the Christian faith. I came to see that it was in my brokenness,

in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus was made strong. it was in

the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. It was in the

embracing ofmy brokenness that I could identify with others' brokenness.

it was my role to identify with others' pain, not relieve it. Ministry was sharing,

not dominating; understand, not theologizing; caring, not fixing.

What does all this mean?

I don't know....and to be quite blunt, that is the wrong question. I only know

that at certain times in all of our lives, we make an adjustment in the course of

our lives. This was one of those times for me. If you were to look at a map of

my life, you would not be aware of any noticeable difference other than a slight

change in direction. I can only tell you that it feels very different now. There is an anticipation, an electricity about God's presence in my life that I have never

experienced before. I can only tell you that for the first time in my life I can

hear Jesus whisper to me every day, "Michael, I love you. You are beloved."

And for some strange reason, that seems to be enough.

**********

That has been my mission in life, without me even knowing it. To FEEL loved. I wanted to FEEL loved from my parents, my family, my friends, my boyfriends and my children. And all the while, I was loved and if I listened, I would have heard it, I would have felt it. I am God's beloved. Well, if that isn't the most important statement in all the world - I don't know what is.

Learning and praying

I think I had a bit of breakthrough. But that's not the important part - I have a couple of books that I am studying. And letting the Lord lead me to what He needs me to know. And it is all linking together. Starting with finding my favorite bible. And finding a special message in it that relates to me and to my friend. And to finding another book I was looking for - and opening it to a great chapter on prayers and belief. It's all been cohesively connected in theme - even though it's been in two different books, old notes in my bible and the bible itself. A lot of questions I've had have been answered. As D.C. Talk says: "He's working"!!!

These are some amazing pictures from the Kelowna, BC area forest fire. This is the Glenrosa fire. I stole from Castanet.net that people posted from the scene. They were taken yesterday (July 18th) in the afternoon. That white care there is on the street where my parents live - only two houses down. The picture above from the highway is maybe a five to ten minute drive away. The winds were terrible yesterday and the fire grew from only a few hectares to over 300 hectares in a matter of hours. But the fire fighters are doing an amazing job and have kept it from spreading bigger than that. However, it looks like it is the reason that THREE other westside fires have begun. One near where my brother lives. One is put out already near the Mission Hill Winery. And I don't know much about the other fire. My parents are clearly evacuated and my brother expects to be evacuated today sometime. So all the people are safe so far. The fire is not moving in the direction of the houses but I've seen some absolutely incredible pictures. Many water bombers are in the area and it's very very loud and very very smoky. Thoughts and prayers are with everyone out there especially the fire fighters who have the most dangerous of tasks.

Have you ever tried.........?

Have you ever tried turning off the radio as you drive?! It's was a little unnerving for me at first, but after awhile it is very nice to drive in silence. It's not often we get silence for our brains - and I am so used to t.v's and computers and music and whatnot. It also gives my boys a chance to say talk - and they DO!!! I've been doing this for awhile - and it's just a little thing, but enjoyable.

I did it - I trusted His love

God's sorry lies in our refusal to approach Him when we have sinned
and failed. A 'slip' for an alcoholic is a terrifying experience.
The obsession of the mind and body with booze returns witht the wild
fury of a sudden storm in springtime. When the person sobers up,
he or she is devastated. When I relapsed, I had two options: yield
my heavenly Father - choose to live as a victim of my disease; or
choose to trust in Abba's immutable love.

The words of Brennan Manning in "Abba's Child"

My dad was here last weekend practically begging to take my kids back to Kelowna with him for the week. And as I have decided that that won't be happening anymore and it won't be effective to tell him why, I just gave excuses and/or said no, I want my kids with me. I got this look from him that said 'you're the family wrecker' and all the negative feelings pop back up. Well, just when I have to tell him no, they do. And I have to tell my Skyler WHY he can't visit grandma and grandpa at their house anymore. And for that, I am mad and sad and hurt. Once again.....

So what did I do? I remembered - a day or two later - to run into God's arms. I have a little formula that my pastor and I worked out to deal with this. And I did the formula prayer. Thank you, Lord!!! I know I will have to run to you many times in the future; many many times!!!!

Learning to love cooking?

I've evolved. Yes, I've evolved so much I think that perhaps i have actually changed species. Yes, extravagent eating for me was once severely frowned upon. My family's repetoire of meals was pasta with canned sauce (nothing added) and meat and potatoes. Nothing fancy. My family actually raved when i added a couple spices to the CANNED sauce. The cheapest canned sauce that my dad could buy by the case. We were high class diners! Me being adventurous with food was adding mayo to my sandwich or adding garlic to something (which my family hated). There is one area where I love to try new things - candy bars!!!! I'm never scared to try a new candy bar on the market. I'm always the first one. I think I must have tried them ALL.

Then last year I became friends with someone who grew up with parents who were gourmet cooks. We would chat a lot about food - including sea food. Now recently I have become a fan of salmon. But fish and seafood was something I've always turned up my nose at. I have tried pickerel (wonderful fish) and it was lovely but I still could hardly eat it and had to be ORDERED to eat it. it was very good and a little sweet. My kids and I love salmon. And if you can get your hands on sockeye salmon - it's INCREDIBLE. But this was the extend of my great evolution as of last year. My parents would rave at how my kids would eat so well. This is how far I'd come.

I started talking about food with this friend, Bryce. I began getting excited about trying some seafood. So when we went on our first date, I did. I tried bacon-wrapped scallops. I LOVED them. I tried a crab leg. It was okay. But I was having such fun trying this stuff. When we went on the cruise, we could try any foods we wanted. I tried such amazing foods. I loved it and now I just LOVE trying new foods. I do it when i eat out mostly. I eat the neatest salads and sandwiches and meals........it's GREAT FUN!!! Yes, I think I've just proven my most abhored brain-washing phenomenon - evolution.

Now I think I am ready to try cooking neat things in my own home!!! Oh my. I really hate cooking - or is it the mess I really hate - I'm just not sure. But I am determined to find a new love. Adventuresome cooking. I've pulled out this old gourmet cook book with all sorts of pictures ( a must for me) and this time I LOVE the look of the recipes. I cannot wait to try them.

Eating......

I'd just like to say that I LOVE FOOD! I went on a cruise, like I always wanted to, because of the FOOD!! And it was so delicious! I tried all sorts of things. All sorts of things. And I'd like to say that one of the biggest UNFAIR things in life is that I cannot eat whatever I want. :(

I want to eat delicious and yummy and even fattening food every day of the week without negative consequences on my body. Pulleease make it so!!!! I know........I'm in dreamland.

Mind over matter

Have you ever used the power of your mind to calm a headache or to at least make it so you didn't notice the headache as much?? I have. And I now have a new and scary mind over matter task at hand. Yes, I'm posting partly in an effort to distract myself and it's very late at night. I was sleeping and awakened by annoying and partly painful muscle cramping in my back on the right side. then I noticed that my limbs were somewhat crampy and tight as well. Then I became extremely itchy and now I feel I have to pee constantly. I had a very similar experience about two months ago. It was horrible. Thought I had a bladder infection but the antibiotics didn't do anything to help - or very little. But they couldn't find anything else. It went away on it's own and I didn't fill the other prescription. But it took a couple of weeks for the muscle cramping in my left calf to go away. The month after that I had a slight cramping episode that began the EXACT same way and I wouldn't allow it. I said forget it, and ignored it. This episode came on differently and at work. I spend the last two days resting a lot and thought it was gone. I'd decided that recently I'd been having discomfort in my right rib cage probably due to muscle cramping. My chiropractor found no other reason for it. It was on and off over the past weeks. Then at work I had a headache then began to feel nauseous. This sometimes happens with headaches. I had no water with me to take any Advil. So I did nothing. Then i started to feel light head and a little weak. I suddenly felt like I needed to pass out and went to sit down. I was really weak in my back and thighs. I sat for awhile and then I slowly walked for sugar, food, then to my van. I drove home a little while later when I felt better. At home I had a nap and rested most of that afternoon. The next day I felt a little off in my back but okay. I rested in the afternoon as well. So now, I am doing the mind over matter influence. This is much harder once one of these episodes is in full swing. But I will keep you posted on how it goes. All of this sounds so scary, but I am starting to get used to it. They have found nothing, even on MRI and I am beginning to think it could be hormonal or even just something to do with calcium. Who knows?! I wouldn't mind finding out, but I've heard of much worse. If I can somehow control it with my brain power, it would make it go away. It's worth a try. Here goes.

Testing, testing, testing

Recently I decided to FINALLY begin the process to have my oldest son, age 12, pychosocially ? evaluated. I have had concerns, shared by another person who knows him, that he may be somewhere on the spectrum of autistic. From birth, he was inconsolable. And one thing in particular really set him off - waking him up. He would scream daily without any determinable reason. I nursed him sitting up, I avoided milk products, I gave him soy milk formula in bottles, I rocked him and tried to distract him, rubbed his tummy, moved his legs, and all sorts of things that I and anyone in else could think of to the ends of everyone's patience. And then i was on my own. Sometimes I was forced to just watch the monitor while he cried so i could get a break. And he didn't even seem to notice I was gone.

I remember by the time he was 8 months old, I held him all the time prior to that, he was so ready to start crawling, that i could tell he was getting frustrated. For WEEKS he was frustrated until I could find an environment that he could have some space to crawl. And right away he began the process and within a couple weeks he was crawling - and much happier. We went through years of tantrums -in which I would just have to walk away until he was done - and waking in the night screaming inconsolably. We still go through inconsolable fits of pouting that you can feel from many feet away. He is an amazing pouter!!

He would play for hours as a toddler with his cars and lego, simply moving them from one spot to another and lining them up the exact same way. He would get report card after report card stating that he takes things to heart. I've had conversation after conversation with teacher after teacher about how upset he gets, and in junior high it is highly socially unacceptable to cry off in a corner because you hurt a toe in gym class or because your feelings are hurt. I work with Skyler a lot on this issue. He is prone to bullies and prone to teasing and just plain unable to handle it.

Skyler has done well in school, he gets good grades and has thus gone basically unidentified with his social difficulties and his low frustration threshold. He greatly shies away from physical contact. He often will not make eye contact. He has difficulty expressing any affection and rarely if ever does it spontaneously. He jumps in with both feet in any hobby that he decides he likes - video games, cars, bikes and drums. He needs a lot of order in his life and gets very upset without it. He cannot understand any sort of machismo - boys hitting each other in greeting, showing off for friends, etc. He is very reluctant to try new activities or to get involved with new people.

My current motivation for seeking some help and some answers is because we constantly battle over the tone of voice he uses with me and how easily he gets frustrated and how he copes with it. Nothing seems to alter these two things. He does not seem to have any real attachments, not to me, not to his friends. He is rather comfortable around his friends but remains unemotional about them. This is the same with his family. I think is why he has so much difficulty calming down when he is frustrated and perhaps getting frustrated in the first place. I think that caring about people and getting shown that someone cares about us is a very calming need. But Skyler doesn't seem to be calmed by care and attention. I think that it may help him to feel safe, but not a lot beyond that.

So I asked people who knew about how I can find out what to do about it - what are my options. He will start some counselling this summer so that we can learn some tools to cope with frustration and bullies, etc. He will start martial arts in September for building confidence. I will talk to his doctor for a referal for an evaluation. I am not sure whether or not to have him evaluated through the school or not. I think it may not be the best option. Although it is the free option.

All this said, he is an amazing boy. Gets As and Bs in school with rare homework and rare studying. He has had the same friends since kindergarten, though he has recently added one or two friends. He takes good care of his things; he is extremely orderly that way. He gets himself ready for school each day ON TIME. He is great in music, art and math. He likes to cook and has learned a few recipes to cook at home. He is very responsible. Some of these things are the positive side of some of the 'symptoms'.

It is amazing how this decision to seek evaluation and help is as emotional for me as I thought. It is difficult to face something like this head on - though I've faced it head on without acknowledgement each day anyway. It's taken a lot of intense training and not a lot of progress over these 12 years. But somehow, this process seems long and hard and intense for my heart.

Very shortly after i decided to pursue this avenue with Skyler, I got a call from my youngest son's teacher. She wanted permission to have him evaluated next school year. He has great difficulty sitting down and has some difficulty with some learning - though he is very bright. She has been giving him extra help throughout the year. His reading has improved. He very impatient about it, and hates to sit down and certainly hates to not talk or interact with other children. I had begun to think I was in the clear because I expected that a teacher would tell me that they wanted him medicated LONG ago. And so, once again, that intense tug on my heart. i cannot really pinpoint why, because in some ways there is a sense of validation and relief because I have struggled with many things with my Jaron along the way. For example, each day when I have to tell him ten times to not get distracted when he gets dressed, and gets his shoes on or does anything that does not come from a desire within him to get done.

We have recently determined an intolerance to milk which causes him some abdominal pain - he rarely complains about it. And I believe he has environmental allergies which also affect his mood and cooperativity. He still doesn't sleep through the night at age 7 and doesn't sleep a lot. If he goes to bed before 10pm then he is surely up by about 6 am. He begun life without napping - it's never really been a regular part of his life. I have to lock my bedroom door so that he doesn't end up in my bed every night. And so began the process to rule out all things physical, and begin to cope with those - and this fall begins the road to determing other factors involved.

And so begins the testing........

Answered prayer?

Well, definitely the prayer was answered, but I have yet to learn if He answered it the way I wanted Him too - or even better! Well, I prayed hard for a new job for Bryce. For a shutdown. A shutdown is a job call that is an amazing amount of work - 24 days on and 4 days off. However, the overtime money on it is huge. And while I would miss Bryce like crazy during this time - I know that it may mean that he wouldn't have to go back up to Fort MacMurray (northern Alberta middle of nowhere - hub of oil sands). I was thinking it would mean he could then get a local job (far less money) and still be able to pay his bills. Well, he got a good job call in good time. Not a shutdown - perhaps better. 21 days on and 7 days off. And now it looks like it may be long term, good job, can get another apprenticeship (which means more job opportunities), and he may even be able to choose other shift options after a bit - like 14 and 14 or 14 and 7, etc. So it means more time with him, less time away and he gets to have more time with his kids, too. I have prayed this prayer before and he ended up taking a 7 on 7 off shift and it was horribly dangerous and not a good company in which to work. But this one is union and could be good. We'll wait and see!! Still praying!

Something I struggle with right now

How does one forgive when one is faced with that issue many days of their lives? How do I forgive and let it go, something I thought i've done over and over, when it comes up at every holiday, at every family gathering, when making summer plans? How do I forgive? How do I forgive the denial of my family? How do I move on when my choice to face it and their choice to bury it has created a rift? Is the only answer, REPEATEDLY?

Quick Update

Well, true to form, I even forgot I had a blog. But here I am reviewing it and thinking where to continue. In some ways I am in a similar place - needing something and not yet knowing exactly what it is. And in other ways I am slowly making tiny, tiny steps.

So in a nutshell- since January my life has inlcuded these things:

-a cruise in February with an virtual stranger

-a distant cousin and my dad and sons' brought some order to my house and built shelves to fill my basement

-my virtual stranger became the love of my life

-realizing what i wanted to do with my life - an Active Release Therapy (ART) specialist

March

-realizing that I wouldn't be able to be ART specialist - not without major re-education

-contemplating when to restart finishing my degree or if I even wanted to

-Bryce (ex-virtual stranger) came to stay in Lethbridge while looking for work

-met Bryce's kids

April

-life is complicated, very

-had episode (whatever it is?) - hard to tell what was part of it, but it was disturbing

-Jaron, my 6 year old, is refusing -still to do his schoolwork and homework, though he has moments where he wants to - brief moments

-Skyler, my 12 year old, begins drum lessons (from months of Rock Band he knows he loves them)

-Jaron begins martial arts lessons - loves it immediately

May

-Jaron, my baby, turns 7 years old

-Bryce is sometimes working in Fort Mac and sometimes here

-realize that taking a class this summer will not work

-sign Jaron up for summer BLAST program (a summer daycare program for school-aged children)

-make tentative plans for Skyler to go to Ontario with family friend and to spend two weeks with his dad and grandparents

June

-summer plans continue

-my thoughts and inklings tend to be towards a more full-time job - with huge hesitations about full-time at the same time a desire for

-perhaps i will finish school, perhaps i won't - just not sure, it'll be really hard to pay for it at all

-decide to follow the steps to have Skyler tested for social/emotional issues - suspected Aspberger's (can't spell it though) for many years

-deal with 2 year bully by involving police - now to deal with the principle who let my son down

-Jaron's teacher calls me to have him tested for learning and attention issues next year at school

-contemplate changing to a school that is more right for Jaron

-scouring the job ads to see what is out there, i don't want to lose the job i have, but I need to work more hours

So all in all, I've got a lot of sleep, strived to do well at my job that I consider myself fortunate to have, coasted into reality with Bryce, began to put the 'episodes' in their place emotionally, trying to be peaceful through a lot of unknowns. I just feel the need for a big change in my life - one that is so meaningful and out of the ordinary. Perhaps this is entrepeneurial (ok, really, I am a good speller but can't for the life of me figure out some words right now), with just enough stress, something that will feed my sensitive heart, something that I can really be passionate about. I have not a clue. Maybe it's in Lethbridge, probably not. But I am beginning to see it will be a long long journey of preparation for it. I just feel that something 'big for me' will be a big inspiring part of my life - eventually. The journey of preparation for it, this journey will be one where I may not see what is going on. In fact, maybe God already told me that, as far back as when I was 14. I was guided, absolutely exhausted through the neighborhood, as if by God's huge hand. He pointed out the brief rays of sun beaming through the few rare cloudless spots. The dark and light clouds, fluffy and overwhelming in the sky. The traffic in the road. And He told me, that this will be my life. i never really understood it, and at times i think i do. But the consistent and important message is that God will always be there and that I will always believe and always know that He is there - even as my life fills with clouds and traffic. Even as I weave among the traffic and feel daunted by all the clouds. There are rays of light poking through, that i will admire the beauty of, that tell me that He is there with me. I feel certain right now that it will be a long journey for me, one collecting knowledge and collecting life lessons, collecting whatever it is that I need to do whatever it is that God sees for me down the road. It is a road of preparation for me. It is an ordinary life, with extraordinary moments.

Being Sensitive

I just watched a little youtube video where a writer/director explained how she wrote what she knew about and used her sensitive nature to become invested in the story and the characters and to describe her inspiration to the actors while directing.   She said until she wrote what she knew about and embraced her sensitive nature, which she once viewed as a great weakness, that she was a horrible writer.  It caused me to look at my own sensitive nature.  It is how God made me.  He made me with a sensitive heart.  He made my precious son, with a sensitive heart AND gave him a mother with a sensitive heart.  I have recently started to view it as a weakness; the cause of so much pain and ruin in my life. But recently I realized that I don't have to take things personally, and if I pay mind to that, I can still remain in control.  But if God made me with a sensitive heart, that is something I can use in my life.  I don't have to guard it, I don't have to protect it so it doesn't hurt; I can embrace it and use it to be what God asks of me.  I don't yet know what that is.  I think it may have something to do with death and dying and grief and prayer.  It is a topic and a reality I feel drawn to, thought I don't know in what capacity.  Perhaps some sort of counselling or volunteering.  Learning where God wants me to be; it is a journey beginning, one I look forward to being on! 

Startin' With Me

Well, it seems Jake Owens sung it best when he sings, 'I'd look back and not what like I see, I'd change a lot of things, startin' with me'.  I'd have to say this is the point where I am at.  Recently, I've been in an emotional place where I realize I need my family.  I have a lot of neat cousins and aunts and uncles, and I don't know them.  I've not kept in touch.  It's time!  I'm not exactly sure how, but I think it's time for me to try to get to know more than 2/60something cousins.  My own close family, they are really hard for me to like.  My parents, especially.  There are so many things in the way, that they can't see need to be fixed.  So the best I can do is accept it.  But when my auntie died on January 9th, I had no stories to tell about her.  I had seen her only once or twice briefly in the past 10 or even 15 years.  And it was really upsetting to me.  There are so many things I just don't know about her.  I know a few of my aunts, and I am sad to say they are the ones who you require 'approval' from.  I suppose judgementalism runs in the family.  But I think there are many in my family, like my auntie Shelley, whom are gentle and loving.  So when I was at the funeral, everyone cried, and I was as loving as I could be.  I spoke to all of my aunts and uncles, and hopefully all of my cousins and their spouses.  They are my family, and I don't have to discount them, just because I learned not to automatically trust family.  That is what I realized.  It has always been an emotional upheaval for me to visit family.  That is something I'd like to overcome.  

Have you ever experienced so much emotion in one day?!

Yes, I think that December 31, 2008 is worthy of at least three posts.  So much emotion flowed in me this day.  The most beautiful and historic moment as a parent was a definite highlight.  But do not forget, how good I felt after watching the perfect movie to bring in the new year - Flash of Genius.  One of those, the good-guys win sort of movies.  So I had this warmth of hope lingering in my heart as we drove home in the last few remaining minutes of 2008.  Jaron was reviewing all the events of Madagascar 2 (the movie the kids watched before joining me for the last 30 minutes of Flash of Genius) while Skyler chided him at missed parts and whenever his voiced betrayed his boredom at telling me everything.  Though Jaron insisted still on telling me.  By the time we got home and plugged in the car, it was one minute to midnight.  We heard the nearby firecrackers and screamed a "Happy New Year" greeting and listened to the cheers in the neighbors homes.  This was proceeded promptly by two boys temporarily possessed by rip-roaring emotional conflict.  So my first minutes of 2009 were spent rolling my eyes heavenward for strength!!  This was followed by an emotional rollercoaster and a LOT of effective, hard-nosed self-talk and the realization that I will be doing a lot of this coaching in my head to get though my issues, to get myself back into a life worth living.  Oh boy, I was mad, I cried, I cried happy tears and I cried mad and stressed tears, and I even longed and denied myself that longing (it's in my own best interest).....................Perhaps just a quick pre-summary of the year to come.  But in my current place of courage, I say, 'bring it on!!'.