Amazing Grace

You don't hear that song a lot on the radio, but I just did. In fact, i just watched the movie last night. And watched the special features of the song 'Amazing Grace' sung by Chris Tomlin.

Now this is a movie you need to see, if you haven't already. It's not really mainstream. It is a great drama and one of my favorite movies. It is the true story of a young English politician, William Wilberforce, who wants to make a better world - starting with abolition of the slave trade. And his mentor in this movie is a former slave ship capton who wrote the hymn, Amazing Grace. It is such a well-made movie!! And that is rather rare. It could be gory, but it's not - just enough emphasis that you get the point and see the importance of the issue. But not enough that it will disturb you terribly. Check out this official website. And find the movie to watch.

http://www.amazinggracemovie.com/

Updates

Update 1:

At least six large Rubbermaid bins of junk have been tossed from my basement. At least 6 more to go. At least 4 small to medium garbage bags of junk and garbage have been removed from my room. At least 5 boxes of storage stuff. I put nice and cheap WalMart curtains up - I like the feel it gives to the room. And that is HALF of the room dejunked. I have a few more things to junk. And the other half of the room to tackle. If I am brave enough, I will take before and after pictures for you all to view.

Update 2:

Took the day off work to see the counsellor at the mental health center. She met with Jaron and I and she wants to see us again. She gave me a book about success with ADHD - though there is no diagnosis yet. And sent us to a get a referal for a child psychologist whose special interest is attention issues. It was actually a fairly difficult thing for Jaron. So I took him out for a nice treat afterwards.

Standing naked

Standing naked before God - laying it all out there for Him to see what He already sees. God, this is me. This is who I am, this is what I have done wrong, this is me - broken and wounded. Lord, this is me, the one you love. God's love brought me to Him in the first place, then somehow I forgot about it. Oh the humanity of me.

I want to share a great exerpt from the book I'm reading - Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. It's a passage he quoted from Mike Yaconelli - another pastor and co-founder of Youth Specialties who went on a little retreat and 'found his true self'. This is what he writes about it:

It took only a few hours of silence before I began to hear my soul speaking. It only

took being alone for a short period of time for me to discover I wasn't alone. God

had been trying to shout over the noisiness of my life, and I couldn't hear Him. But

in the stillness and solitude, his whispers shouted from my soul, "Michael, I am

here. I have been calling you, but you haven't been listening. Can you hear me,

Michael? I love you. I have always loved you. And I have been waiting for you

to hear me say that to you. But you have been so busy trying to prove to yourself

you are loved that you have not heard me."

I heard him, and my slumbering sould was filled with the joy of the prodigal son.

My soul was awakened by a loving Father who had been looking and waiting for

me. Finally, I accdepted my brokenness......I had never come to terms with that.

Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually

disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was apart of me that

embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my

weaknesses, to deny who i was and concentrate on what I should be. I was broken,

yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again - or at least to get to

the place where I was very seldom broken.....

At L'Arche (the retreat), it became very clear to me that I had totally

misunderstood the Christian faith. I came to see that it was in my brokenness,

in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus was made strong. it was in

the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. It was in the

embracing ofmy brokenness that I could identify with others' brokenness.

it was my role to identify with others' pain, not relieve it. Ministry was sharing,

not dominating; understand, not theologizing; caring, not fixing.

What does all this mean?

I don't know....and to be quite blunt, that is the wrong question. I only know

that at certain times in all of our lives, we make an adjustment in the course of

our lives. This was one of those times for me. If you were to look at a map of

my life, you would not be aware of any noticeable difference other than a slight

change in direction. I can only tell you that it feels very different now. There is an anticipation, an electricity about God's presence in my life that I have never

experienced before. I can only tell you that for the first time in my life I can

hear Jesus whisper to me every day, "Michael, I love you. You are beloved."

And for some strange reason, that seems to be enough.

**********

That has been my mission in life, without me even knowing it. To FEEL loved. I wanted to FEEL loved from my parents, my family, my friends, my boyfriends and my children. And all the while, I was loved and if I listened, I would have heard it, I would have felt it. I am God's beloved. Well, if that isn't the most important statement in all the world - I don't know what is.

Learning and praying

I think I had a bit of breakthrough. But that's not the important part - I have a couple of books that I am studying. And letting the Lord lead me to what He needs me to know. And it is all linking together. Starting with finding my favorite bible. And finding a special message in it that relates to me and to my friend. And to finding another book I was looking for - and opening it to a great chapter on prayers and belief. It's all been cohesively connected in theme - even though it's been in two different books, old notes in my bible and the bible itself. A lot of questions I've had have been answered. As D.C. Talk says: "He's working"!!!

These are some amazing pictures from the Kelowna, BC area forest fire. This is the Glenrosa fire. I stole from Castanet.net that people posted from the scene. They were taken yesterday (July 18th) in the afternoon. That white care there is on the street where my parents live - only two houses down. The picture above from the highway is maybe a five to ten minute drive away. The winds were terrible yesterday and the fire grew from only a few hectares to over 300 hectares in a matter of hours. But the fire fighters are doing an amazing job and have kept it from spreading bigger than that. However, it looks like it is the reason that THREE other westside fires have begun. One near where my brother lives. One is put out already near the Mission Hill Winery. And I don't know much about the other fire. My parents are clearly evacuated and my brother expects to be evacuated today sometime. So all the people are safe so far. The fire is not moving in the direction of the houses but I've seen some absolutely incredible pictures. Many water bombers are in the area and it's very very loud and very very smoky. Thoughts and prayers are with everyone out there especially the fire fighters who have the most dangerous of tasks.

Have you ever tried.........?

Have you ever tried turning off the radio as you drive?! It's was a little unnerving for me at first, but after awhile it is very nice to drive in silence. It's not often we get silence for our brains - and I am so used to t.v's and computers and music and whatnot. It also gives my boys a chance to say talk - and they DO!!! I've been doing this for awhile - and it's just a little thing, but enjoyable.

I did it - I trusted His love

God's sorry lies in our refusal to approach Him when we have sinned
and failed. A 'slip' for an alcoholic is a terrifying experience.
The obsession of the mind and body with booze returns witht the wild
fury of a sudden storm in springtime. When the person sobers up,
he or she is devastated. When I relapsed, I had two options: yield
my heavenly Father - choose to live as a victim of my disease; or
choose to trust in Abba's immutable love.

The words of Brennan Manning in "Abba's Child"

My dad was here last weekend practically begging to take my kids back to Kelowna with him for the week. And as I have decided that that won't be happening anymore and it won't be effective to tell him why, I just gave excuses and/or said no, I want my kids with me. I got this look from him that said 'you're the family wrecker' and all the negative feelings pop back up. Well, just when I have to tell him no, they do. And I have to tell my Skyler WHY he can't visit grandma and grandpa at their house anymore. And for that, I am mad and sad and hurt. Once again.....

So what did I do? I remembered - a day or two later - to run into God's arms. I have a little formula that my pastor and I worked out to deal with this. And I did the formula prayer. Thank you, Lord!!! I know I will have to run to you many times in the future; many many times!!!!

Learning to love cooking?

I've evolved. Yes, I've evolved so much I think that perhaps i have actually changed species. Yes, extravagent eating for me was once severely frowned upon. My family's repetoire of meals was pasta with canned sauce (nothing added) and meat and potatoes. Nothing fancy. My family actually raved when i added a couple spices to the CANNED sauce. The cheapest canned sauce that my dad could buy by the case. We were high class diners! Me being adventurous with food was adding mayo to my sandwich or adding garlic to something (which my family hated). There is one area where I love to try new things - candy bars!!!! I'm never scared to try a new candy bar on the market. I'm always the first one. I think I must have tried them ALL.

Then last year I became friends with someone who grew up with parents who were gourmet cooks. We would chat a lot about food - including sea food. Now recently I have become a fan of salmon. But fish and seafood was something I've always turned up my nose at. I have tried pickerel (wonderful fish) and it was lovely but I still could hardly eat it and had to be ORDERED to eat it. it was very good and a little sweet. My kids and I love salmon. And if you can get your hands on sockeye salmon - it's INCREDIBLE. But this was the extend of my great evolution as of last year. My parents would rave at how my kids would eat so well. This is how far I'd come.

I started talking about food with this friend, Bryce. I began getting excited about trying some seafood. So when we went on our first date, I did. I tried bacon-wrapped scallops. I LOVED them. I tried a crab leg. It was okay. But I was having such fun trying this stuff. When we went on the cruise, we could try any foods we wanted. I tried such amazing foods. I loved it and now I just LOVE trying new foods. I do it when i eat out mostly. I eat the neatest salads and sandwiches and meals........it's GREAT FUN!!! Yes, I think I've just proven my most abhored brain-washing phenomenon - evolution.

Now I think I am ready to try cooking neat things in my own home!!! Oh my. I really hate cooking - or is it the mess I really hate - I'm just not sure. But I am determined to find a new love. Adventuresome cooking. I've pulled out this old gourmet cook book with all sorts of pictures ( a must for me) and this time I LOVE the look of the recipes. I cannot wait to try them.