Something I struggle with right now

How does one forgive when one is faced with that issue many days of their lives? How do I forgive and let it go, something I thought i've done over and over, when it comes up at every holiday, at every family gathering, when making summer plans? How do I forgive? How do I forgive the denial of my family? How do I move on when my choice to face it and their choice to bury it has created a rift? Is the only answer, REPEATEDLY?

Quick Update

Well, true to form, I even forgot I had a blog. But here I am reviewing it and thinking where to continue. In some ways I am in a similar place - needing something and not yet knowing exactly what it is. And in other ways I am slowly making tiny, tiny steps.

So in a nutshell- since January my life has inlcuded these things:

-a cruise in February with an virtual stranger

-a distant cousin and my dad and sons' brought some order to my house and built shelves to fill my basement

-my virtual stranger became the love of my life

-realizing what i wanted to do with my life - an Active Release Therapy (ART) specialist

March

-realizing that I wouldn't be able to be ART specialist - not without major re-education

-contemplating when to restart finishing my degree or if I even wanted to

-Bryce (ex-virtual stranger) came to stay in Lethbridge while looking for work

-met Bryce's kids

April

-life is complicated, very

-had episode (whatever it is?) - hard to tell what was part of it, but it was disturbing

-Jaron, my 6 year old, is refusing -still to do his schoolwork and homework, though he has moments where he wants to - brief moments

-Skyler, my 12 year old, begins drum lessons (from months of Rock Band he knows he loves them)

-Jaron begins martial arts lessons - loves it immediately

May

-Jaron, my baby, turns 7 years old

-Bryce is sometimes working in Fort Mac and sometimes here

-realize that taking a class this summer will not work

-sign Jaron up for summer BLAST program (a summer daycare program for school-aged children)

-make tentative plans for Skyler to go to Ontario with family friend and to spend two weeks with his dad and grandparents

June

-summer plans continue

-my thoughts and inklings tend to be towards a more full-time job - with huge hesitations about full-time at the same time a desire for

-perhaps i will finish school, perhaps i won't - just not sure, it'll be really hard to pay for it at all

-decide to follow the steps to have Skyler tested for social/emotional issues - suspected Aspberger's (can't spell it though) for many years

-deal with 2 year bully by involving police - now to deal with the principle who let my son down

-Jaron's teacher calls me to have him tested for learning and attention issues next year at school

-contemplate changing to a school that is more right for Jaron

-scouring the job ads to see what is out there, i don't want to lose the job i have, but I need to work more hours

So all in all, I've got a lot of sleep, strived to do well at my job that I consider myself fortunate to have, coasted into reality with Bryce, began to put the 'episodes' in their place emotionally, trying to be peaceful through a lot of unknowns. I just feel the need for a big change in my life - one that is so meaningful and out of the ordinary. Perhaps this is entrepeneurial (ok, really, I am a good speller but can't for the life of me figure out some words right now), with just enough stress, something that will feed my sensitive heart, something that I can really be passionate about. I have not a clue. Maybe it's in Lethbridge, probably not. But I am beginning to see it will be a long long journey of preparation for it. I just feel that something 'big for me' will be a big inspiring part of my life - eventually. The journey of preparation for it, this journey will be one where I may not see what is going on. In fact, maybe God already told me that, as far back as when I was 14. I was guided, absolutely exhausted through the neighborhood, as if by God's huge hand. He pointed out the brief rays of sun beaming through the few rare cloudless spots. The dark and light clouds, fluffy and overwhelming in the sky. The traffic in the road. And He told me, that this will be my life. i never really understood it, and at times i think i do. But the consistent and important message is that God will always be there and that I will always believe and always know that He is there - even as my life fills with clouds and traffic. Even as I weave among the traffic and feel daunted by all the clouds. There are rays of light poking through, that i will admire the beauty of, that tell me that He is there with me. I feel certain right now that it will be a long journey for me, one collecting knowledge and collecting life lessons, collecting whatever it is that I need to do whatever it is that God sees for me down the road. It is a road of preparation for me. It is an ordinary life, with extraordinary moments.