Being Sensitive

I just watched a little youtube video where a writer/director explained how she wrote what she knew about and used her sensitive nature to become invested in the story and the characters and to describe her inspiration to the actors while directing.   She said until she wrote what she knew about and embraced her sensitive nature, which she once viewed as a great weakness, that she was a horrible writer.  It caused me to look at my own sensitive nature.  It is how God made me.  He made me with a sensitive heart.  He made my precious son, with a sensitive heart AND gave him a mother with a sensitive heart.  I have recently started to view it as a weakness; the cause of so much pain and ruin in my life. But recently I realized that I don't have to take things personally, and if I pay mind to that, I can still remain in control.  But if God made me with a sensitive heart, that is something I can use in my life.  I don't have to guard it, I don't have to protect it so it doesn't hurt; I can embrace it and use it to be what God asks of me.  I don't yet know what that is.  I think it may have something to do with death and dying and grief and prayer.  It is a topic and a reality I feel drawn to, thought I don't know in what capacity.  Perhaps some sort of counselling or volunteering.  Learning where God wants me to be; it is a journey beginning, one I look forward to being on! 

Startin' With Me

Well, it seems Jake Owens sung it best when he sings, 'I'd look back and not what like I see, I'd change a lot of things, startin' with me'.  I'd have to say this is the point where I am at.  Recently, I've been in an emotional place where I realize I need my family.  I have a lot of neat cousins and aunts and uncles, and I don't know them.  I've not kept in touch.  It's time!  I'm not exactly sure how, but I think it's time for me to try to get to know more than 2/60something cousins.  My own close family, they are really hard for me to like.  My parents, especially.  There are so many things in the way, that they can't see need to be fixed.  So the best I can do is accept it.  But when my auntie died on January 9th, I had no stories to tell about her.  I had seen her only once or twice briefly in the past 10 or even 15 years.  And it was really upsetting to me.  There are so many things I just don't know about her.  I know a few of my aunts, and I am sad to say they are the ones who you require 'approval' from.  I suppose judgementalism runs in the family.  But I think there are many in my family, like my auntie Shelley, whom are gentle and loving.  So when I was at the funeral, everyone cried, and I was as loving as I could be.  I spoke to all of my aunts and uncles, and hopefully all of my cousins and their spouses.  They are my family, and I don't have to discount them, just because I learned not to automatically trust family.  That is what I realized.  It has always been an emotional upheaval for me to visit family.  That is something I'd like to overcome.  

Have you ever experienced so much emotion in one day?!

Yes, I think that December 31, 2008 is worthy of at least three posts.  So much emotion flowed in me this day.  The most beautiful and historic moment as a parent was a definite highlight.  But do not forget, how good I felt after watching the perfect movie to bring in the new year - Flash of Genius.  One of those, the good-guys win sort of movies.  So I had this warmth of hope lingering in my heart as we drove home in the last few remaining minutes of 2008.  Jaron was reviewing all the events of Madagascar 2 (the movie the kids watched before joining me for the last 30 minutes of Flash of Genius) while Skyler chided him at missed parts and whenever his voiced betrayed his boredom at telling me everything.  Though Jaron insisted still on telling me.  By the time we got home and plugged in the car, it was one minute to midnight.  We heard the nearby firecrackers and screamed a "Happy New Year" greeting and listened to the cheers in the neighbors homes.  This was proceeded promptly by two boys temporarily possessed by rip-roaring emotional conflict.  So my first minutes of 2009 were spent rolling my eyes heavenward for strength!!  This was followed by an emotional rollercoaster and a LOT of effective, hard-nosed self-talk and the realization that I will be doing a lot of this coaching in my head to get though my issues, to get myself back into a life worth living.  Oh boy, I was mad, I cried, I cried happy tears and I cried mad and stressed tears, and I even longed and denied myself that longing (it's in my own best interest).....................Perhaps just a quick pre-summary of the year to come.  But in my current place of courage, I say, 'bring it on!!'.