Eating......

I'd just like to say that I LOVE FOOD! I went on a cruise, like I always wanted to, because of the FOOD!! And it was so delicious! I tried all sorts of things. All sorts of things. And I'd like to say that one of the biggest UNFAIR things in life is that I cannot eat whatever I want. :(

I want to eat delicious and yummy and even fattening food every day of the week without negative consequences on my body. Pulleease make it so!!!! I know........I'm in dreamland.

Mind over matter

Have you ever used the power of your mind to calm a headache or to at least make it so you didn't notice the headache as much?? I have. And I now have a new and scary mind over matter task at hand. Yes, I'm posting partly in an effort to distract myself and it's very late at night. I was sleeping and awakened by annoying and partly painful muscle cramping in my back on the right side. then I noticed that my limbs were somewhat crampy and tight as well. Then I became extremely itchy and now I feel I have to pee constantly. I had a very similar experience about two months ago. It was horrible. Thought I had a bladder infection but the antibiotics didn't do anything to help - or very little. But they couldn't find anything else. It went away on it's own and I didn't fill the other prescription. But it took a couple of weeks for the muscle cramping in my left calf to go away. The month after that I had a slight cramping episode that began the EXACT same way and I wouldn't allow it. I said forget it, and ignored it. This episode came on differently and at work. I spend the last two days resting a lot and thought it was gone. I'd decided that recently I'd been having discomfort in my right rib cage probably due to muscle cramping. My chiropractor found no other reason for it. It was on and off over the past weeks. Then at work I had a headache then began to feel nauseous. This sometimes happens with headaches. I had no water with me to take any Advil. So I did nothing. Then i started to feel light head and a little weak. I suddenly felt like I needed to pass out and went to sit down. I was really weak in my back and thighs. I sat for awhile and then I slowly walked for sugar, food, then to my van. I drove home a little while later when I felt better. At home I had a nap and rested most of that afternoon. The next day I felt a little off in my back but okay. I rested in the afternoon as well. So now, I am doing the mind over matter influence. This is much harder once one of these episodes is in full swing. But I will keep you posted on how it goes. All of this sounds so scary, but I am starting to get used to it. They have found nothing, even on MRI and I am beginning to think it could be hormonal or even just something to do with calcium. Who knows?! I wouldn't mind finding out, but I've heard of much worse. If I can somehow control it with my brain power, it would make it go away. It's worth a try. Here goes.

Testing, testing, testing

Recently I decided to FINALLY begin the process to have my oldest son, age 12, pychosocially ? evaluated. I have had concerns, shared by another person who knows him, that he may be somewhere on the spectrum of autistic. From birth, he was inconsolable. And one thing in particular really set him off - waking him up. He would scream daily without any determinable reason. I nursed him sitting up, I avoided milk products, I gave him soy milk formula in bottles, I rocked him and tried to distract him, rubbed his tummy, moved his legs, and all sorts of things that I and anyone in else could think of to the ends of everyone's patience. And then i was on my own. Sometimes I was forced to just watch the monitor while he cried so i could get a break. And he didn't even seem to notice I was gone.

I remember by the time he was 8 months old, I held him all the time prior to that, he was so ready to start crawling, that i could tell he was getting frustrated. For WEEKS he was frustrated until I could find an environment that he could have some space to crawl. And right away he began the process and within a couple weeks he was crawling - and much happier. We went through years of tantrums -in which I would just have to walk away until he was done - and waking in the night screaming inconsolably. We still go through inconsolable fits of pouting that you can feel from many feet away. He is an amazing pouter!!

He would play for hours as a toddler with his cars and lego, simply moving them from one spot to another and lining them up the exact same way. He would get report card after report card stating that he takes things to heart. I've had conversation after conversation with teacher after teacher about how upset he gets, and in junior high it is highly socially unacceptable to cry off in a corner because you hurt a toe in gym class or because your feelings are hurt. I work with Skyler a lot on this issue. He is prone to bullies and prone to teasing and just plain unable to handle it.

Skyler has done well in school, he gets good grades and has thus gone basically unidentified with his social difficulties and his low frustration threshold. He greatly shies away from physical contact. He often will not make eye contact. He has difficulty expressing any affection and rarely if ever does it spontaneously. He jumps in with both feet in any hobby that he decides he likes - video games, cars, bikes and drums. He needs a lot of order in his life and gets very upset without it. He cannot understand any sort of machismo - boys hitting each other in greeting, showing off for friends, etc. He is very reluctant to try new activities or to get involved with new people.

My current motivation for seeking some help and some answers is because we constantly battle over the tone of voice he uses with me and how easily he gets frustrated and how he copes with it. Nothing seems to alter these two things. He does not seem to have any real attachments, not to me, not to his friends. He is rather comfortable around his friends but remains unemotional about them. This is the same with his family. I think is why he has so much difficulty calming down when he is frustrated and perhaps getting frustrated in the first place. I think that caring about people and getting shown that someone cares about us is a very calming need. But Skyler doesn't seem to be calmed by care and attention. I think that it may help him to feel safe, but not a lot beyond that.

So I asked people who knew about how I can find out what to do about it - what are my options. He will start some counselling this summer so that we can learn some tools to cope with frustration and bullies, etc. He will start martial arts in September for building confidence. I will talk to his doctor for a referal for an evaluation. I am not sure whether or not to have him evaluated through the school or not. I think it may not be the best option. Although it is the free option.

All this said, he is an amazing boy. Gets As and Bs in school with rare homework and rare studying. He has had the same friends since kindergarten, though he has recently added one or two friends. He takes good care of his things; he is extremely orderly that way. He gets himself ready for school each day ON TIME. He is great in music, art and math. He likes to cook and has learned a few recipes to cook at home. He is very responsible. Some of these things are the positive side of some of the 'symptoms'.

It is amazing how this decision to seek evaluation and help is as emotional for me as I thought. It is difficult to face something like this head on - though I've faced it head on without acknowledgement each day anyway. It's taken a lot of intense training and not a lot of progress over these 12 years. But somehow, this process seems long and hard and intense for my heart.

Very shortly after i decided to pursue this avenue with Skyler, I got a call from my youngest son's teacher. She wanted permission to have him evaluated next school year. He has great difficulty sitting down and has some difficulty with some learning - though he is very bright. She has been giving him extra help throughout the year. His reading has improved. He very impatient about it, and hates to sit down and certainly hates to not talk or interact with other children. I had begun to think I was in the clear because I expected that a teacher would tell me that they wanted him medicated LONG ago. And so, once again, that intense tug on my heart. i cannot really pinpoint why, because in some ways there is a sense of validation and relief because I have struggled with many things with my Jaron along the way. For example, each day when I have to tell him ten times to not get distracted when he gets dressed, and gets his shoes on or does anything that does not come from a desire within him to get done.

We have recently determined an intolerance to milk which causes him some abdominal pain - he rarely complains about it. And I believe he has environmental allergies which also affect his mood and cooperativity. He still doesn't sleep through the night at age 7 and doesn't sleep a lot. If he goes to bed before 10pm then he is surely up by about 6 am. He begun life without napping - it's never really been a regular part of his life. I have to lock my bedroom door so that he doesn't end up in my bed every night. And so began the process to rule out all things physical, and begin to cope with those - and this fall begins the road to determing other factors involved.

And so begins the testing........

Answered prayer?

Well, definitely the prayer was answered, but I have yet to learn if He answered it the way I wanted Him too - or even better! Well, I prayed hard for a new job for Bryce. For a shutdown. A shutdown is a job call that is an amazing amount of work - 24 days on and 4 days off. However, the overtime money on it is huge. And while I would miss Bryce like crazy during this time - I know that it may mean that he wouldn't have to go back up to Fort MacMurray (northern Alberta middle of nowhere - hub of oil sands). I was thinking it would mean he could then get a local job (far less money) and still be able to pay his bills. Well, he got a good job call in good time. Not a shutdown - perhaps better. 21 days on and 7 days off. And now it looks like it may be long term, good job, can get another apprenticeship (which means more job opportunities), and he may even be able to choose other shift options after a bit - like 14 and 14 or 14 and 7, etc. So it means more time with him, less time away and he gets to have more time with his kids, too. I have prayed this prayer before and he ended up taking a 7 on 7 off shift and it was horribly dangerous and not a good company in which to work. But this one is union and could be good. We'll wait and see!! Still praying!

Something I struggle with right now

How does one forgive when one is faced with that issue many days of their lives? How do I forgive and let it go, something I thought i've done over and over, when it comes up at every holiday, at every family gathering, when making summer plans? How do I forgive? How do I forgive the denial of my family? How do I move on when my choice to face it and their choice to bury it has created a rift? Is the only answer, REPEATEDLY?

Quick Update

Well, true to form, I even forgot I had a blog. But here I am reviewing it and thinking where to continue. In some ways I am in a similar place - needing something and not yet knowing exactly what it is. And in other ways I am slowly making tiny, tiny steps.

So in a nutshell- since January my life has inlcuded these things:

-a cruise in February with an virtual stranger

-a distant cousin and my dad and sons' brought some order to my house and built shelves to fill my basement

-my virtual stranger became the love of my life

-realizing what i wanted to do with my life - an Active Release Therapy (ART) specialist

March

-realizing that I wouldn't be able to be ART specialist - not without major re-education

-contemplating when to restart finishing my degree or if I even wanted to

-Bryce (ex-virtual stranger) came to stay in Lethbridge while looking for work

-met Bryce's kids

April

-life is complicated, very

-had episode (whatever it is?) - hard to tell what was part of it, but it was disturbing

-Jaron, my 6 year old, is refusing -still to do his schoolwork and homework, though he has moments where he wants to - brief moments

-Skyler, my 12 year old, begins drum lessons (from months of Rock Band he knows he loves them)

-Jaron begins martial arts lessons - loves it immediately

May

-Jaron, my baby, turns 7 years old

-Bryce is sometimes working in Fort Mac and sometimes here

-realize that taking a class this summer will not work

-sign Jaron up for summer BLAST program (a summer daycare program for school-aged children)

-make tentative plans for Skyler to go to Ontario with family friend and to spend two weeks with his dad and grandparents

June

-summer plans continue

-my thoughts and inklings tend to be towards a more full-time job - with huge hesitations about full-time at the same time a desire for

-perhaps i will finish school, perhaps i won't - just not sure, it'll be really hard to pay for it at all

-decide to follow the steps to have Skyler tested for social/emotional issues - suspected Aspberger's (can't spell it though) for many years

-deal with 2 year bully by involving police - now to deal with the principle who let my son down

-Jaron's teacher calls me to have him tested for learning and attention issues next year at school

-contemplate changing to a school that is more right for Jaron

-scouring the job ads to see what is out there, i don't want to lose the job i have, but I need to work more hours

So all in all, I've got a lot of sleep, strived to do well at my job that I consider myself fortunate to have, coasted into reality with Bryce, began to put the 'episodes' in their place emotionally, trying to be peaceful through a lot of unknowns. I just feel the need for a big change in my life - one that is so meaningful and out of the ordinary. Perhaps this is entrepeneurial (ok, really, I am a good speller but can't for the life of me figure out some words right now), with just enough stress, something that will feed my sensitive heart, something that I can really be passionate about. I have not a clue. Maybe it's in Lethbridge, probably not. But I am beginning to see it will be a long long journey of preparation for it. I just feel that something 'big for me' will be a big inspiring part of my life - eventually. The journey of preparation for it, this journey will be one where I may not see what is going on. In fact, maybe God already told me that, as far back as when I was 14. I was guided, absolutely exhausted through the neighborhood, as if by God's huge hand. He pointed out the brief rays of sun beaming through the few rare cloudless spots. The dark and light clouds, fluffy and overwhelming in the sky. The traffic in the road. And He told me, that this will be my life. i never really understood it, and at times i think i do. But the consistent and important message is that God will always be there and that I will always believe and always know that He is there - even as my life fills with clouds and traffic. Even as I weave among the traffic and feel daunted by all the clouds. There are rays of light poking through, that i will admire the beauty of, that tell me that He is there with me. I feel certain right now that it will be a long journey for me, one collecting knowledge and collecting life lessons, collecting whatever it is that I need to do whatever it is that God sees for me down the road. It is a road of preparation for me. It is an ordinary life, with extraordinary moments.