I want to share a great exerpt from the book I'm reading - Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. It's a passage he quoted from Mike Yaconelli - another pastor and co-founder of Youth Specialties who went on a little retreat and 'found his true self'. This is what he writes about it:
It took only a few hours of silence before I began to hear my soul speaking. It only
took being alone for a short period of time for me to discover I wasn't alone. God
had been trying to shout over the noisiness of my life, and I couldn't hear Him. But
in the stillness and solitude, his whispers shouted from my soul, "Michael, I am
here. I have been calling you, but you haven't been listening. Can you hear me,
Michael? I love you. I have always loved you. And I have been waiting for you
to hear me say that to you. But you have been so busy trying to prove to yourself
you are loved that you have not heard me."
I heard him, and my slumbering sould was filled with the joy of the prodigal son.
My soul was awakened by a loving Father who had been looking and waiting for
me. Finally, I accdepted my brokenness......I had never come to terms with that.
Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually
disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was apart of me that
embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my
weaknesses, to deny who i was and concentrate on what I should be. I was broken,
yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again - or at least to get to
the place where I was very seldom broken.....
At L'Arche (the retreat), it became very clear to me that I had totally
misunderstood the Christian faith. I came to see that it was in my brokenness,
in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus was made strong. it was in
the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. It was in the
embracing ofmy brokenness that I could identify with others' brokenness.
it was my role to identify with others' pain, not relieve it. Ministry was sharing,
not dominating; understand, not theologizing; caring, not fixing.
What does all this mean?
I don't know....and to be quite blunt, that is the wrong question. I only know
that at certain times in all of our lives, we make an adjustment in the course of
our lives. This was one of those times for me. If you were to look at a map of
my life, you would not be aware of any noticeable difference other than a slight
change in direction. I can only tell you that it feels very different now. There is an anticipation, an electricity about God's presence in my life that I have never
experienced before. I can only tell you that for the first time in my life I can
hear Jesus whisper to me every day, "Michael, I love you. You are beloved."
And for some strange reason, that seems to be enough.
**********
That has been my mission in life, without me even knowing it. To FEEL loved. I wanted to FEEL loved from my parents, my family, my friends, my boyfriends and my children. And all the while, I was loved and if I listened, I would have heard it, I would have felt it. I am God's beloved. Well, if that isn't the most important statement in all the world - I don't know what is.
