Still processing this news

Well, it's no news that this has been difficult past few months especially. I have had no end of years with various hosts of weird symptoms and no idea what is wrong. All the while thinking maybe I'm some odd sort of hypochondriac thinking I had this thing or that thing wrong with me.......but the doctors always said I was fine. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That what was going on with me just couldn't be explained. I always seemed to 'tank' right after I thought things were going well.

Why? Why did I keep doing that? Why did I work so hard to get things to start to go right and then end up further back to where I started? Well, perhaps the reasons were learned today. I went to see a specialist today. My therapist hand-picked this specialist for me and traded appointments to get me in to see her within a month - which was about six weeks earlier than I was scheduled. So I was grateful for that! Today, she also came to the appointment with me and she was very helpful! Again, I've been very grateful for her since I met her about two months ago!

The specialist I saw was a psychiatrist who also has a background in neuroscience. A good match for me. She asked many really good questions. Hard questions. She really listened. All of this was simply amazing to me - and gave me confidence in her as a doctor. She told me what I expected - panic disorder.

But she also found something that I didn't expect - she suspects seizures. Something my family doctor dismissed before I'd finished my sentence. I have often complained of forgetfulness. Forgetfulness to such an extent that it's like my mind is completely blank. And my therapist noticed it twice in about three visits, maybe four. Where I briefly stared blankly and then could not remember what I was saying or what I was going to say. Not at all - zippo, nadda - blank. Sounds normal, I know. But I also have a relatively 'normal' genetic anomoly in my brain. This is usuaally not an issue - but sometimes it can cause seizures. I had an EEG (awful nasty test, btw) which was negative. But since my anomoly is deep in my brain it wouldn't pick up on it anyhow. And apparently an EEG is not a very sensitive test.

Another bit of a surprise and something that I was careful to answer questions about - possible manic depression. But the specialist never mentioned depression alone - which I've been treated for in the past because my doctor didn't want me to put my baby in the dryer!

So, the specialist recommended a serious drug for me - one that could potentially cause a life-threatening rash (who knew a rash could kill you?). Rarely. But she said it could help with lots of my issues. And I will be able to stop the medication before it becomes really serious. I will know. After ramping up the dosage slowly - it should help to stabilize my moods, to relieve the seizures and to be an anti-anxiety. Sounds good to me!!

Of course, this is all a lot to process for me. And somehow - my kids were even more needy today. How do they always know?! That along with the tonnes and tonnes of work I have to do to get my life back in order - and it's a LOT!! But I'm committed to it. I want a life! A good life - the one that God wants for me. And I have three months off work to get me started. I have God with me to do it! And let me tell you - I need HIM!!!