THIS day is blessed?

Now I have to tell you this wonderful thing I discovered. One can just never discover it enough and one can just never understand it enough. Yet, no matter how much we discover and how much we understand - we can still be hugely blessed by it. What is it? Or do you even have to ask - it's God's LOVE!

I don't have to tell you that I have been majorly struggling. Oh so majorly! And on top of that - I have had the worst two months full of mishaps and series of odd and wildly crazy events. And often I could easily ask - Lord, you blessed THIS day?! Seriously?! Because I think you missed me. To recap a few - I had essentially what one would call a nervous breakdown a couple months ago, then my neighbor violently attacked me, a month later we witnessed her try to attack her boyfriend in the street where we park, then troubles with my boyfriend not talking and taking off, and then there were custody issues and then troubles at work and then a horrible weekend with my dad causing chaos and insisting on causing chaos, and then a speeding ticking AND another ticket for $230 which could have been over $3000 because I listened to my dad and didn't get 'my rear in gear' to take care of business and then I had a little car accident (which will cost a $2500! But thankfully NO ONE was hurt, not even the little three month old fetus taking up residence with the woman in the little truck that I slid into on the icy patch! Thank the Lord! Yes, of course, most of those events were related to my inability to cope and some bad decisions on  my part.

So this little accident was followed by my reading a chapter in "Praying God's Word" book by Beth Moore. I skimmed the chapters - because I was bored with the front to back cover version of reading it - for a more pertinent chapter. I found one: Overcoming the Insecurity of Feeling Unloved. Yup, this was the chapter for me, right then. Well, I tell you that this chapter was written just for me! Right from:

'Minor insecurities can be little more than occasional challenges, but when life suddenly erupts like a volano, insecurity turns into panic. Want suddenly feels like need. A hidden pocket of unmet needs suddenly quakes and leaves a cavern. The fear or the feeling of being unloved is probably the greatest source of insecurity, whether or not we can always articulate it.

Jehovah God, the Great Soul-ologist, identified man's chief desire in Proverbs 19:22: "What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar."

to the explanation of that verse:

'He is implying that our human tendency is to stockpile belongings or amass wealth in order to satisfy a cavernous need in our souls. He is also suggesting that we are lying if we're saying that our greatest need is anything besides unfailing love. The word desires in Proverbs 19:22 implies a deep craving. Each one of us craves utterly unfailing love: a love that is unconditional, unwavering, radical, demonstrative, broader than the horizon, deeper than the sea.'

And we ALL know that no matter how much love we are showered with in our lives or no matter how much love we feel for others - it is FAR away from that sort of unfailing love.

'Searching for perfect, unfailing love in anyone else is not only fruitless, it is miserably disappointing and destructive. I am convinced that our hearts are not healthy until they have been satisfied by the only completely healthy love that exists: the love of God, Himself.'

God made me (everyone) to require His love, His unfailing love. And no one else can fulfill that need. Now of course - this is NOT news to me. But it is a reminder of what I need always, and specifically right now.  It is a comfort to me when there are things I have to do, things I have to get through and no one but no one can do it for me.  It's just me and the Lord.  And that knowledge comforts me.

So I began to pray right then and each morning since upon opening my eyes for God's love to fill my cup knowing that 'He is the only One who is never overwhelmed by the depth and length of [my] need.' as Beth writes. Of course I welcome love, and I have it to give starting with the very first minute I am awake following the prayer.

So this last few days, I have earnestedly and desperately prayed this prayer. And I am able to handle daily disturbances and interactions rather well. It has not removed the anxiety - but certainly the 'strength' I needed and still had often prayed for desperately needed a cup full of UNFAILING love to go with it!! And Lord, precious Lord, I thank you for such an amazing gift!!

On my wall, by my bed, I have posted:

Psalms 143:8

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for you to lift up my soul.

A second good thing!

My Jaron had his first day at a new school today! Mama cried this morning! But my worried little guy was tenderly reminded that he may feel nervous at first but I have seen before that by the end of the day, he will have at least two new friends. Well, everyone was so wonderful to both of us. And Jaron was quickly escorted off to his grade two Montessori class. And a sub. Oh dear!! Then I picked him up at the end of the day and heard a chorus of goodbyes to Jaron along with plans to exchange phone numbers. And he listed off three kids names and two other kids that he had gotten to know by the end of his first afternoon! So, once again, my little social magnet has managed to have a GREAT day!! And all of his nerves dissolved into a giant smile!

Tomorrow we tackle - the new bus!!

One good thing!

I've got a plan. All this 'stuff' that I'm going through coming to a head at the age of 32, with my future bright before me - once I get through all this. And I've been tormenting over not having a plan. All these decisions to make and all this 'stuff' running through my mind and not really having the sound ability to make these decisions. (I think I am not actually forming ANY sentences whatsoever - but bear with me). So I may have just needed one person to add a little decisiveness to my day. Even if it is little more than a bit of hope and staying status quo and taking it day by day. I feel, like I actually have a PLAN. This is one good thing!

It's been awhile........Yes it has!

I suppose I've been at a loss for words. I thought i was doing so well, and then my mood and maybe even my life took a dive. I didn't realize i was that unstable. But i was. I'm going through one of the roughest patches of my life. But the good things coming from it are that I think I'll finally get the help I need and people are listening. They are hearing me, and they see, that I need help. I'm having a hard time sleeping. I have this wonderful thermal blanket, that is so so cozy and my son's baby blanket - yes his fleece crib blanket - and I cuddle up in those each night. I feel so many things, and comfort is hard to find. So I do this, and the last two nights I have repeated over and over - a comforting truth about God! Two nights ago it was "I am God's child.". Last night it was from a song I listened to right before I went to sleep - or tried to. It was 'Forgiven and Loved'. And each time I awoke last night - which was many many times - I fell right back to sleep, wrapped in my cozy cozy blankets and repeating "Forgiven and Loved". So this morning, I do feel comforted. If not baffled, confused and trying to let God guide (maybe futile and impatient) into the decisions I have to make for this next part of my life. I suppose the only thing clear to me is the part where I start to heal - I know that. God has given me some counsellors that I think will 'get it' and actually be helpful for me. I see one, Ruth, today. Thank God for her! And may I remember today to Praise Him when I am feeling low. And other times - but especially then. And, I'm off to work!

Nicole.

Another movie worth watching...

Fireproof! It's a Kirk Cameron movie - enough said!! Great soundtrack! Total tearjerker - bring your tissues!!