Something I struggle with right now

How does one forgive when one is faced with that issue many days of their lives? How do I forgive and let it go, something I thought i've done over and over, when it comes up at every holiday, at every family gathering, when making summer plans? How do I forgive? How do I forgive the denial of my family? How do I move on when my choice to face it and their choice to bury it has created a rift? Is the only answer, REPEATEDLY?

Quick Update

Well, true to form, I even forgot I had a blog. But here I am reviewing it and thinking where to continue. In some ways I am in a similar place - needing something and not yet knowing exactly what it is. And in other ways I am slowly making tiny, tiny steps.

So in a nutshell- since January my life has inlcuded these things:

-a cruise in February with an virtual stranger

-a distant cousin and my dad and sons' brought some order to my house and built shelves to fill my basement

-my virtual stranger became the love of my life

-realizing what i wanted to do with my life - an Active Release Therapy (ART) specialist

March

-realizing that I wouldn't be able to be ART specialist - not without major re-education

-contemplating when to restart finishing my degree or if I even wanted to

-Bryce (ex-virtual stranger) came to stay in Lethbridge while looking for work

-met Bryce's kids

April

-life is complicated, very

-had episode (whatever it is?) - hard to tell what was part of it, but it was disturbing

-Jaron, my 6 year old, is refusing -still to do his schoolwork and homework, though he has moments where he wants to - brief moments

-Skyler, my 12 year old, begins drum lessons (from months of Rock Band he knows he loves them)

-Jaron begins martial arts lessons - loves it immediately

May

-Jaron, my baby, turns 7 years old

-Bryce is sometimes working in Fort Mac and sometimes here

-realize that taking a class this summer will not work

-sign Jaron up for summer BLAST program (a summer daycare program for school-aged children)

-make tentative plans for Skyler to go to Ontario with family friend and to spend two weeks with his dad and grandparents

June

-summer plans continue

-my thoughts and inklings tend to be towards a more full-time job - with huge hesitations about full-time at the same time a desire for

-perhaps i will finish school, perhaps i won't - just not sure, it'll be really hard to pay for it at all

-decide to follow the steps to have Skyler tested for social/emotional issues - suspected Aspberger's (can't spell it though) for many years

-deal with 2 year bully by involving police - now to deal with the principle who let my son down

-Jaron's teacher calls me to have him tested for learning and attention issues next year at school

-contemplate changing to a school that is more right for Jaron

-scouring the job ads to see what is out there, i don't want to lose the job i have, but I need to work more hours

So all in all, I've got a lot of sleep, strived to do well at my job that I consider myself fortunate to have, coasted into reality with Bryce, began to put the 'episodes' in their place emotionally, trying to be peaceful through a lot of unknowns. I just feel the need for a big change in my life - one that is so meaningful and out of the ordinary. Perhaps this is entrepeneurial (ok, really, I am a good speller but can't for the life of me figure out some words right now), with just enough stress, something that will feed my sensitive heart, something that I can really be passionate about. I have not a clue. Maybe it's in Lethbridge, probably not. But I am beginning to see it will be a long long journey of preparation for it. I just feel that something 'big for me' will be a big inspiring part of my life - eventually. The journey of preparation for it, this journey will be one where I may not see what is going on. In fact, maybe God already told me that, as far back as when I was 14. I was guided, absolutely exhausted through the neighborhood, as if by God's huge hand. He pointed out the brief rays of sun beaming through the few rare cloudless spots. The dark and light clouds, fluffy and overwhelming in the sky. The traffic in the road. And He told me, that this will be my life. i never really understood it, and at times i think i do. But the consistent and important message is that God will always be there and that I will always believe and always know that He is there - even as my life fills with clouds and traffic. Even as I weave among the traffic and feel daunted by all the clouds. There are rays of light poking through, that i will admire the beauty of, that tell me that He is there with me. I feel certain right now that it will be a long journey for me, one collecting knowledge and collecting life lessons, collecting whatever it is that I need to do whatever it is that God sees for me down the road. It is a road of preparation for me. It is an ordinary life, with extraordinary moments.

Being Sensitive

I just watched a little youtube video where a writer/director explained how she wrote what she knew about and used her sensitive nature to become invested in the story and the characters and to describe her inspiration to the actors while directing.   She said until she wrote what she knew about and embraced her sensitive nature, which she once viewed as a great weakness, that she was a horrible writer.  It caused me to look at my own sensitive nature.  It is how God made me.  He made me with a sensitive heart.  He made my precious son, with a sensitive heart AND gave him a mother with a sensitive heart.  I have recently started to view it as a weakness; the cause of so much pain and ruin in my life. But recently I realized that I don't have to take things personally, and if I pay mind to that, I can still remain in control.  But if God made me with a sensitive heart, that is something I can use in my life.  I don't have to guard it, I don't have to protect it so it doesn't hurt; I can embrace it and use it to be what God asks of me.  I don't yet know what that is.  I think it may have something to do with death and dying and grief and prayer.  It is a topic and a reality I feel drawn to, thought I don't know in what capacity.  Perhaps some sort of counselling or volunteering.  Learning where God wants me to be; it is a journey beginning, one I look forward to being on! 

Startin' With Me

Well, it seems Jake Owens sung it best when he sings, 'I'd look back and not what like I see, I'd change a lot of things, startin' with me'.  I'd have to say this is the point where I am at.  Recently, I've been in an emotional place where I realize I need my family.  I have a lot of neat cousins and aunts and uncles, and I don't know them.  I've not kept in touch.  It's time!  I'm not exactly sure how, but I think it's time for me to try to get to know more than 2/60something cousins.  My own close family, they are really hard for me to like.  My parents, especially.  There are so many things in the way, that they can't see need to be fixed.  So the best I can do is accept it.  But when my auntie died on January 9th, I had no stories to tell about her.  I had seen her only once or twice briefly in the past 10 or even 15 years.  And it was really upsetting to me.  There are so many things I just don't know about her.  I know a few of my aunts, and I am sad to say they are the ones who you require 'approval' from.  I suppose judgementalism runs in the family.  But I think there are many in my family, like my auntie Shelley, whom are gentle and loving.  So when I was at the funeral, everyone cried, and I was as loving as I could be.  I spoke to all of my aunts and uncles, and hopefully all of my cousins and their spouses.  They are my family, and I don't have to discount them, just because I learned not to automatically trust family.  That is what I realized.  It has always been an emotional upheaval for me to visit family.  That is something I'd like to overcome.  

Have you ever experienced so much emotion in one day?!

Yes, I think that December 31, 2008 is worthy of at least three posts.  So much emotion flowed in me this day.  The most beautiful and historic moment as a parent was a definite highlight.  But do not forget, how good I felt after watching the perfect movie to bring in the new year - Flash of Genius.  One of those, the good-guys win sort of movies.  So I had this warmth of hope lingering in my heart as we drove home in the last few remaining minutes of 2008.  Jaron was reviewing all the events of Madagascar 2 (the movie the kids watched before joining me for the last 30 minutes of Flash of Genius) while Skyler chided him at missed parts and whenever his voiced betrayed his boredom at telling me everything.  Though Jaron insisted still on telling me.  By the time we got home and plugged in the car, it was one minute to midnight.  We heard the nearby firecrackers and screamed a "Happy New Year" greeting and listened to the cheers in the neighbors homes.  This was proceeded promptly by two boys temporarily possessed by rip-roaring emotional conflict.  So my first minutes of 2009 were spent rolling my eyes heavenward for strength!!  This was followed by an emotional rollercoaster and a LOT of effective, hard-nosed self-talk and the realization that I will be doing a lot of this coaching in my head to get though my issues, to get myself back into a life worth living.  Oh boy, I was mad, I cried, I cried happy tears and I cried mad and stressed tears, and I even longed and denied myself that longing (it's in my own best interest).....................Perhaps just a quick pre-summary of the year to come.  But in my current place of courage, I say, 'bring it on!!'.