It's been awhile........Yes it has!

I suppose I've been at a loss for words. I thought i was doing so well, and then my mood and maybe even my life took a dive. I didn't realize i was that unstable. But i was. I'm going through one of the roughest patches of my life. But the good things coming from it are that I think I'll finally get the help I need and people are listening. They are hearing me, and they see, that I need help. I'm having a hard time sleeping. I have this wonderful thermal blanket, that is so so cozy and my son's baby blanket - yes his fleece crib blanket - and I cuddle up in those each night. I feel so many things, and comfort is hard to find. So I do this, and the last two nights I have repeated over and over - a comforting truth about God! Two nights ago it was "I am God's child.". Last night it was from a song I listened to right before I went to sleep - or tried to. It was 'Forgiven and Loved'. And each time I awoke last night - which was many many times - I fell right back to sleep, wrapped in my cozy cozy blankets and repeating "Forgiven and Loved". So this morning, I do feel comforted. If not baffled, confused and trying to let God guide (maybe futile and impatient) into the decisions I have to make for this next part of my life. I suppose the only thing clear to me is the part where I start to heal - I know that. God has given me some counsellors that I think will 'get it' and actually be helpful for me. I see one, Ruth, today. Thank God for her! And may I remember today to Praise Him when I am feeling low. And other times - but especially then. And, I'm off to work!

Nicole.

Another movie worth watching...

Fireproof! It's a Kirk Cameron movie - enough said!! Great soundtrack! Total tearjerker - bring your tissues!!

Amazing Grace

You don't hear that song a lot on the radio, but I just did. In fact, i just watched the movie last night. And watched the special features of the song 'Amazing Grace' sung by Chris Tomlin.

Now this is a movie you need to see, if you haven't already. It's not really mainstream. It is a great drama and one of my favorite movies. It is the true story of a young English politician, William Wilberforce, who wants to make a better world - starting with abolition of the slave trade. And his mentor in this movie is a former slave ship capton who wrote the hymn, Amazing Grace. It is such a well-made movie!! And that is rather rare. It could be gory, but it's not - just enough emphasis that you get the point and see the importance of the issue. But not enough that it will disturb you terribly. Check out this official website. And find the movie to watch.

http://www.amazinggracemovie.com/

Updates

Update 1:

At least six large Rubbermaid bins of junk have been tossed from my basement. At least 6 more to go. At least 4 small to medium garbage bags of junk and garbage have been removed from my room. At least 5 boxes of storage stuff. I put nice and cheap WalMart curtains up - I like the feel it gives to the room. And that is HALF of the room dejunked. I have a few more things to junk. And the other half of the room to tackle. If I am brave enough, I will take before and after pictures for you all to view.

Update 2:

Took the day off work to see the counsellor at the mental health center. She met with Jaron and I and she wants to see us again. She gave me a book about success with ADHD - though there is no diagnosis yet. And sent us to a get a referal for a child psychologist whose special interest is attention issues. It was actually a fairly difficult thing for Jaron. So I took him out for a nice treat afterwards.

Standing naked

Standing naked before God - laying it all out there for Him to see what He already sees. God, this is me. This is who I am, this is what I have done wrong, this is me - broken and wounded. Lord, this is me, the one you love. God's love brought me to Him in the first place, then somehow I forgot about it. Oh the humanity of me.

I want to share a great exerpt from the book I'm reading - Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. It's a passage he quoted from Mike Yaconelli - another pastor and co-founder of Youth Specialties who went on a little retreat and 'found his true self'. This is what he writes about it:

It took only a few hours of silence before I began to hear my soul speaking. It only

took being alone for a short period of time for me to discover I wasn't alone. God

had been trying to shout over the noisiness of my life, and I couldn't hear Him. But

in the stillness and solitude, his whispers shouted from my soul, "Michael, I am

here. I have been calling you, but you haven't been listening. Can you hear me,

Michael? I love you. I have always loved you. And I have been waiting for you

to hear me say that to you. But you have been so busy trying to prove to yourself

you are loved that you have not heard me."

I heard him, and my slumbering sould was filled with the joy of the prodigal son.

My soul was awakened by a loving Father who had been looking and waiting for

me. Finally, I accdepted my brokenness......I had never come to terms with that.

Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually

disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was apart of me that

embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my

weaknesses, to deny who i was and concentrate on what I should be. I was broken,

yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again - or at least to get to

the place where I was very seldom broken.....

At L'Arche (the retreat), it became very clear to me that I had totally

misunderstood the Christian faith. I came to see that it was in my brokenness,

in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus was made strong. it was in

the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. It was in the

embracing ofmy brokenness that I could identify with others' brokenness.

it was my role to identify with others' pain, not relieve it. Ministry was sharing,

not dominating; understand, not theologizing; caring, not fixing.

What does all this mean?

I don't know....and to be quite blunt, that is the wrong question. I only know

that at certain times in all of our lives, we make an adjustment in the course of

our lives. This was one of those times for me. If you were to look at a map of

my life, you would not be aware of any noticeable difference other than a slight

change in direction. I can only tell you that it feels very different now. There is an anticipation, an electricity about God's presence in my life that I have never

experienced before. I can only tell you that for the first time in my life I can

hear Jesus whisper to me every day, "Michael, I love you. You are beloved."

And for some strange reason, that seems to be enough.

**********

That has been my mission in life, without me even knowing it. To FEEL loved. I wanted to FEEL loved from my parents, my family, my friends, my boyfriends and my children. And all the while, I was loved and if I listened, I would have heard it, I would have felt it. I am God's beloved. Well, if that isn't the most important statement in all the world - I don't know what is.