Without Even Realizing

Without even realizing it, I spent so many years scared of the 'happy' phase of bipolar. It never occurred to me that I was bipolar. I just learned that when I started to feel great after 5 hours sleep a night that it was a clue that a deep low was coming. I just learned that when I began to get very enthusiastic about doing so many things - too many things to handle - but wanted to do it all and tried to do it all in a whirlwind of activity and drive, that a deep low would soon follow. I began to suppress the high to avoid the low. I became very very good at doing it and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Not until recently. I stopped allowing myself to binge clean. I stopped allowing myself to get up and do anything on the nights I couldn't sleep. I stopped allowing myself to get 'giddy' when interacting with others. I stopped allowing the productive things in order to avoid the inevitable lows that followed. I called them 'tanking'. I would just run out of energy - or so I thought.

During a 'high episode', there would be such a disconnect between how my life was going (usually difficult) and how my body felt (usually pain of some sort) and the wonderful mood I was in. Those were the times of 'manic' or 'hypomanic'. And I learned that a low would follow and wreck (and then some) all the good progress I was making. Or I would make a super stupid decision in the mania or mixed episodes that would take so long to recover from. And then I would feel so horrible about myself - how could I do that? How could I do something so wrong when I knew better.

So instead, I stopped progressing, I stopped the manic so I wouldn't have the bad lows. The 'depths of despair'. Instead, I began to have severe anxiety from not taking care of the things I needed to do and just had a constant dull low. A fatigue. It felt bad, but also sort of normal.

So now that the meds and vitamins are preventing some of the low. I'm feeling more mixed episodes (agitation, anger, motivated, happy, content). I know I have to be careful for so many reasons. But I'm feeling ready to start to clean up the messes I've made. The illness is only an explanation, only a clue as to how to what I need to do better in life - not an excuse. Though it is very real, I never want it to be an excuse. Cliche alert: There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I have a ligit fear that I've nurtured for so long that people will soon see how unstable and unreliable and how negative I am. I'm starting to overcome this fear of making friends. I've even connected with a few new and caring people. It is so nice. I'm starting to feel better able to commit to extra-curriculars for my children and myself. (Though forcing myself to focus on one is hard.) I'm starting to be able to see the positive. The positive in how my kids behave and in who they are. The positive in how I behave and in who I am. The positive in others who are in my life.

I am beginning to come back to life. A fragile life at this time - one which still needs lots of professional guidance. I am so grateful for it - for the life and the guidance! I have so much hope for a healthy me to emerge. One who is able to make good decisions; one who can achieve success.

People are scared of 'mental illness'

Let me tell you - these two words will stop people in their tracks and often make them run screaming away from you. It scares people. They feel for you - sometimes - but they don't want to be around you. Not that it was different before I was diagnosed. People didn't exactly want to deal with it. Nor do they want to try to understand. I have been quite open about it. But I tell you - if you want to make people's eyes bulge - say the words 'mental illness'.

Still processing this news

Well, it's no news that this has been difficult past few months especially. I have had no end of years with various hosts of weird symptoms and no idea what is wrong. All the while thinking maybe I'm some odd sort of hypochondriac thinking I had this thing or that thing wrong with me.......but the doctors always said I was fine. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That what was going on with me just couldn't be explained. I always seemed to 'tank' right after I thought things were going well.

Why? Why did I keep doing that? Why did I work so hard to get things to start to go right and then end up further back to where I started? Well, perhaps the reasons were learned today. I went to see a specialist today. My therapist hand-picked this specialist for me and traded appointments to get me in to see her within a month - which was about six weeks earlier than I was scheduled. So I was grateful for that! Today, she also came to the appointment with me and she was very helpful! Again, I've been very grateful for her since I met her about two months ago!

The specialist I saw was a psychiatrist who also has a background in neuroscience. A good match for me. She asked many really good questions. Hard questions. She really listened. All of this was simply amazing to me - and gave me confidence in her as a doctor. She told me what I expected - panic disorder.

But she also found something that I didn't expect - she suspects seizures. Something my family doctor dismissed before I'd finished my sentence. I have often complained of forgetfulness. Forgetfulness to such an extent that it's like my mind is completely blank. And my therapist noticed it twice in about three visits, maybe four. Where I briefly stared blankly and then could not remember what I was saying or what I was going to say. Not at all - zippo, nadda - blank. Sounds normal, I know. But I also have a relatively 'normal' genetic anomoly in my brain. This is usuaally not an issue - but sometimes it can cause seizures. I had an EEG (awful nasty test, btw) which was negative. But since my anomoly is deep in my brain it wouldn't pick up on it anyhow. And apparently an EEG is not a very sensitive test.

Another bit of a surprise and something that I was careful to answer questions about - possible manic depression. But the specialist never mentioned depression alone - which I've been treated for in the past because my doctor didn't want me to put my baby in the dryer!

So, the specialist recommended a serious drug for me - one that could potentially cause a life-threatening rash (who knew a rash could kill you?). Rarely. But she said it could help with lots of my issues. And I will be able to stop the medication before it becomes really serious. I will know. After ramping up the dosage slowly - it should help to stabilize my moods, to relieve the seizures and to be an anti-anxiety. Sounds good to me!!

Of course, this is all a lot to process for me. And somehow - my kids were even more needy today. How do they always know?! That along with the tonnes and tonnes of work I have to do to get my life back in order - and it's a LOT!! But I'm committed to it. I want a life! A good life - the one that God wants for me. And I have three months off work to get me started. I have God with me to do it! And let me tell you - I need HIM!!!

THIS day is blessed?

Now I have to tell you this wonderful thing I discovered. One can just never discover it enough and one can just never understand it enough. Yet, no matter how much we discover and how much we understand - we can still be hugely blessed by it. What is it? Or do you even have to ask - it's God's LOVE!

I don't have to tell you that I have been majorly struggling. Oh so majorly! And on top of that - I have had the worst two months full of mishaps and series of odd and wildly crazy events. And often I could easily ask - Lord, you blessed THIS day?! Seriously?! Because I think you missed me. To recap a few - I had essentially what one would call a nervous breakdown a couple months ago, then my neighbor violently attacked me, a month later we witnessed her try to attack her boyfriend in the street where we park, then troubles with my boyfriend not talking and taking off, and then there were custody issues and then troubles at work and then a horrible weekend with my dad causing chaos and insisting on causing chaos, and then a speeding ticking AND another ticket for $230 which could have been over $3000 because I listened to my dad and didn't get 'my rear in gear' to take care of business and then I had a little car accident (which will cost a $2500! But thankfully NO ONE was hurt, not even the little three month old fetus taking up residence with the woman in the little truck that I slid into on the icy patch! Thank the Lord! Yes, of course, most of those events were related to my inability to cope and some bad decisions on  my part.

So this little accident was followed by my reading a chapter in "Praying God's Word" book by Beth Moore. I skimmed the chapters - because I was bored with the front to back cover version of reading it - for a more pertinent chapter. I found one: Overcoming the Insecurity of Feeling Unloved. Yup, this was the chapter for me, right then. Well, I tell you that this chapter was written just for me! Right from:

'Minor insecurities can be little more than occasional challenges, but when life suddenly erupts like a volano, insecurity turns into panic. Want suddenly feels like need. A hidden pocket of unmet needs suddenly quakes and leaves a cavern. The fear or the feeling of being unloved is probably the greatest source of insecurity, whether or not we can always articulate it.

Jehovah God, the Great Soul-ologist, identified man's chief desire in Proverbs 19:22: "What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar."

to the explanation of that verse:

'He is implying that our human tendency is to stockpile belongings or amass wealth in order to satisfy a cavernous need in our souls. He is also suggesting that we are lying if we're saying that our greatest need is anything besides unfailing love. The word desires in Proverbs 19:22 implies a deep craving. Each one of us craves utterly unfailing love: a love that is unconditional, unwavering, radical, demonstrative, broader than the horizon, deeper than the sea.'

And we ALL know that no matter how much love we are showered with in our lives or no matter how much love we feel for others - it is FAR away from that sort of unfailing love.

'Searching for perfect, unfailing love in anyone else is not only fruitless, it is miserably disappointing and destructive. I am convinced that our hearts are not healthy until they have been satisfied by the only completely healthy love that exists: the love of God, Himself.'

God made me (everyone) to require His love, His unfailing love. And no one else can fulfill that need. Now of course - this is NOT news to me. But it is a reminder of what I need always, and specifically right now.  It is a comfort to me when there are things I have to do, things I have to get through and no one but no one can do it for me.  It's just me and the Lord.  And that knowledge comforts me.

So I began to pray right then and each morning since upon opening my eyes for God's love to fill my cup knowing that 'He is the only One who is never overwhelmed by the depth and length of [my] need.' as Beth writes. Of course I welcome love, and I have it to give starting with the very first minute I am awake following the prayer.

So this last few days, I have earnestedly and desperately prayed this prayer. And I am able to handle daily disturbances and interactions rather well. It has not removed the anxiety - but certainly the 'strength' I needed and still had often prayed for desperately needed a cup full of UNFAILING love to go with it!! And Lord, precious Lord, I thank you for such an amazing gift!!

On my wall, by my bed, I have posted:

Psalms 143:8

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for you to lift up my soul.

A second good thing!

My Jaron had his first day at a new school today! Mama cried this morning! But my worried little guy was tenderly reminded that he may feel nervous at first but I have seen before that by the end of the day, he will have at least two new friends. Well, everyone was so wonderful to both of us. And Jaron was quickly escorted off to his grade two Montessori class. And a sub. Oh dear!! Then I picked him up at the end of the day and heard a chorus of goodbyes to Jaron along with plans to exchange phone numbers. And he listed off three kids names and two other kids that he had gotten to know by the end of his first afternoon! So, once again, my little social magnet has managed to have a GREAT day!! And all of his nerves dissolved into a giant smile!

Tomorrow we tackle - the new bus!!